I realized something today… and btw, my ex-husband will say “I told you so,” if he reads this. He always complained that I wanted every little thing to be “perfect” and to be “my way.”

Uh, Mr. Ex, you don’t need to comment on this post, thank you.
Well, I really screwed something up because of my perfectionist (controlling) nature. There was this guy. (No, not the ex! Sheesh.) He proposed. I said no. He proposed THREE TIMES over the course of a couple years. I said no. He kept seeing me. I eventually broke up with him, because (1) I knew I was making him unhappy (which he confirmed the night we broke up) and (2) I was finally ready for some sort of exclusive commitment and he was shying away from it.

• First proposal? I wasn’t ready and my mini-me would have been freaked out. (That’s a good reason.)
• Second proposal? I thought he was KIDDING! (Turned out he wasn’t.)
• Third proposal? I was convinced he was only asking because I was sick. (The fact that he would be able to help take care of T if anything happened to me was one of his selling points.) I was afraid he didn’t know what he was getting himself into, so I said no.

The thing is… I LOVED the idea of being married to him. Love him very much, I do. Good lord what is wrong with me?

Not long before or after we broke up, I asked him what he was thinking when he proposed. His answer was so sweet. I thought I’d cry. He’d clearly thought about it a lot… turned out he wasn’t being rash at all.

So, today, walking home from work, I thought… he’s a grown man; he was probably pretty sure what he was doing/saying/asking. I said no, because I had some idea of the perfect conditions for a proposal. That was stupid. <sigh>

Note: Before anyone well-meaningly (that’s not a word, I know) says “call him and tell him how you feel,” he knows I was finally ready for more when we split up. We’ve had a few talks about “us” since we broke up. We’re still friends. Or at least we’re working on being friends again. (We were friends for years before we dated.) He’s dating. He seems happy with the situation. I think my only solution is to emotionally move on.